titles come last

One month to breathe. One month to adjust. One month to frequently avoid all the creative habits that were my outlets. Discipline took a new car for a drive as we focused on the 9-5 when it became live and we worked to strive. There’s probably other words that rhyme with “drive” but I’ll save you the headache and we’ll stop there.

The need to write consistently took to the back seat when my promotion came forth. My new role with the company required a lot of time, a lot of effort, a lot of planning each day to make sure that we were prepared for what may come. We needed coffee for the drive, we needed lunch for sustenance, we needed multiple gallons of water because I have a drinking (water) problem, we needed our jiujitsu stuff, we needed clean clothes for the shower after bjj. Then when we come home at 9pm, we need to eat dinner, we need to get shit in the wash, we need to put things away and start to prepare for the next day.

There was no way that I was sitting down to write at 10pm. Not happening. When I can barely hold my eyes open, especially when we need 8 hours of sleep to recover and perform the next day, I’m focused on letting the mind shut down. Could we write a little more frequently? Sure. Have I been journaling? Definitely, but not as much. Morning routine still exists…it’s minimal, but it’s still there. It consists of a blend of 20 minutes of breath work with 5 minutes of stretching. It would be great to have more, but there’s only 24 hours in a day and on the days that I have to be in the office, I would think I’m maximizing what I can get from those 24 hours. Those days are like squeezing a rock for water at this point.

Now, let’s be clear – I am not bitching. I am quite grateful that I have a secure job in an economy that seems to be ripe for recession. I’m grateful that I get a check every week and it’s not dependent upon me closing a sale. It’s like a relief of pressure that’s been laid upon my shoulders for the past couple years. Of course, I’ve been willingly carrying that weight, but hey – I dropped a few pounds of it. What I am trying to say is that…I finally understand.

I understand why many talented people don’t invest into their crafts as much as they would like. I understand why people with 9-5’s and families aren’t able to make it to their martial arts classes or even the gym as much as they would like. I understand why all my parents wanted to do on a Saturday night was eat some pizza and watch a movie. I finally understand.

It’s been years since I’ve worked in a 9-5 routine environment. It’s certainly the first time in many years that I’ve lived in an office. The excess of coffee, the eating of a (HALF) donut that’s sitting in the breakroom, the going out for a drink after work. Man, oh man…everything I witnessed from the outside of office life is really starting to add up these days. Walk a mile in their shoes, they say…

What I did tell myself is that I would honor the month-long adjustment period. It took time to realize the priority of certain aspects. Prepping food for the week, what time to wake up each day, when I could squeeze in extra workouts, how valuable the minute is in the morning, when to start and stop eating at night, really… just so many variables that had to be calculated to make this work.

The most valuable asset has become even more valuable – Time. Each minute is calculated. Wake time. Meditate time. Bathroom time. Drive time. Work time. Lunch time. (Afternoon) Coffee time. Quittin’ time. BJJ time. Dinner time. Bed time. The minutes to Friday get counted down. The thoughts about what you’ll do on the weekend occupy your day dreams. Then the weekend comes and you oddly just want to recharge the battery and enjoy some Down time. Then Sunday afternoon rolls around and it’s Prep time.

The argument for a 4-day workweek is a real one. There has to be close to 8 hours M-F that not much gets done or bullshitting is the only thing that takes place. Friday-Sunday would allow for a day of recharging/errands, a day of adventure with your loved ones, and a day to prep for the week and wind down. If we’re all working Monday-Friday, how are we supposed to take care of tasks while we’re working and the other company is working? They’re not working when I’m not working. How can I bring my car to the garage when I need to be in the office but the garage is closed on the weekends? It’s a conundrum at it’s finest…and it’s only one example. What about going to the doctor’s? Or the dentist? Or the Vibram worldwide headquarters in Boston that’s only open Monday through Friday? How the hell am I supposed to try on some new running shoes when they’re not open on weekends? I certainly can’t call into work and tell them, “Sorry guys, can’t work today. Need some running shoes.” It’s preposterous.

The 9-5 is broken. Adding in working-from-home days is helpful, but it’s not the solution. We should be working to live, not living to work. Not everyone works their job because it’s their purpose. Sometimes, it’s just a job. I like to think that life is a lot like a Plinko game. Some of us are going to fall to our destination really quickly and that’s where you’ll serve the world best. You barely hit anything along the way, or you just hit it really quickly and still got to the bottom without much reversal. Some of us, well…some of us are going to hit every single obstacle along the way, we’re going to bounce back upwards, we’re going to go sideways, we’re going to hit the walls… but we’re all going to get to where we’re going. If our purpose is at the bottom, I’ll see you down there… someday.

For now, the purpose is to develop some security, to do right by the people that have supported me for years. No one knows how to walk this life and I’ll be damned if I hear otherwise. We should be grateful to have anything. Give back to those that have helped you. Lend a hand when you can. Take care of yourself when you need it. And support the 4 day workweek.

It’s like once you have a delicious Sour Patch Kid, how the hell can an apple even compare? The apple makes no noise within the realm of the taste buds. Now oooooooobviously you have to have another SPK, you can’t have just one. Shit…the marketing gurus have us brainwashed. Why can’t we just have one and then work to balance out the amusement park in our mouth by just getting back on the basic Ferris wheel? We don’t need to ride the tilt-a-whirl repeatedly until there’s vomit all over our t-shirts and the people standing to our right.

They say that people that constantly jump out of airplanes are chasing the purple dragon – they’re never going to have the same amount of adrenaline in their systems as they do when they take their first skydive. They literally become adrenaline junkies, just like any other junkie. Just like the first piece of candy, the second one is never as good. After a long, sweaty, dirty day of work, there’s something wildly satisfying about an ice cold beer. But just like the candy, just like the skydiving…the second one is never as good as the first and the third becomes as bland as water. It’s still delicious, but it cannot quench the thirst the same way.

As life goes on, we gain more and more of these experiences where it’s as simple as, “It’s not as good as the first time around.” There’s scientific explanations about dopamine, your expectations for an experience, yada yada…but when it comes down to it, the first time experiencing something is the most exciting, the most sensational. You remember the smell, the sight, the feel, the thoughts… they’re all so new! Your first drink, your first love, your first pet, the list goes on. Now the question I want to pose is….

…through gratefulness, through meditation upon our passing through this world…can we make EVERY time we do something feel like the first time? Can our love for our partner be just as wildly out of control and lustful as the first time we fell for them? Can we be so overwhelmed with gratefulness that our home is just as special as the first day we moved into it? Can we treat each day that we wake more special than the last?

But on the flip side of the coin; does our existence lose its’ power over time? Even though we can control our gratefulness for those around us, can those around us start to take us for granted, regardless of how strongly we may feel? Can the strength of a bond between two lovers fade over time simply because of one side’s inability to take stock in what they have…what they’ve created together? As people grow individually, their perspective on the world cannot be the same, regardless of how similar it may be or how intertwined their lives may be. So as they maintain and grow their partnership…their life together, can their perspective become more similar with someone else’s? And at that point, does their being become more magnetically drawn elsewhere? If it’s magnetic, there is no blame to be dealt (not like it would do any good). That would be like being pissed at the north side of a magnet for attaching to the south side of a magnet. “You slut!” But if you turn the magnets around, they repel one another. Are you now angry they can’t get along? Living is emotional. Just waking up you have residual emotions from a dream. Your day hasn’t even begun and yet you’re ready to put a hole in a wall.

It’s certainly a conundrum. As we settle into routines, we settle into the comfort of the love of our partner, we fail to realize that as growth has continued together, it has also happened separately…as it must in life. We all leave this world alone. Someone could hold our hand until our very last breath, but they will not be taking that spiritual journey with us. That is ours and ours alone to take, which is one of the most difficult thoughts we all must embrace. It’s entangled with fear as no one in existence has the answer to what happens next. We all want that answer, but we won’t get it until that moment comes… and it comes for us all.

So our partnership is a blessing. We should be so excited that we found anyone in this life that can put up with our bullshit, that laughs at our shitty jokes, that reminds us that it’s all going to be okay. We should understand that as we both grow that our paths are going to cross with people that magnetically pull us that we’re unable to fathom what to do about it. There’s no right and wrong in the universe, but all we can do is do what our heart, brain, and gut agree is correct. No one can tell you what’s right or wrong but yourself. No one promised us this life would be easy. No one told us that the decisions we make would be simple. There are moments in my life that an ultimatum was set before me, choose A or B…and I knew, in that very moment, it would dramatically change my life. I will always remember them because of the gravity of my decisions. It’s as if our lives are like a movie playing out and the music intensifies to alert audience members that something important is about to happen. How many of us constantly throw around the JAWS music when we’re about to hunt our prey? duuuunnnn duun… duuunnnnnnnn dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn dunnnn RAWR

Just like death, there’s no one to guide us to the next step. There’s no one to tell us what is right or wrong. There’s no one that can give you the answer but yourself. The actions that you take will reveal said answer.. and there’s no taksie-backsies. But you should know that you are important in this world, this is your movie. You are the protagonist in your own film. Therefor there are supporting characters that are going to be along for your ride. The choices you make will have consequences to those around you. They are not always going to react how you wished they would. How could they? The same movie that is playing from your perspective is not the same that is playing through their’s. How they see things is different and although the action may be the same, the reasoning is wildly different. This character could have been with you since the very beginning of the movie, but some characters get killed off, they become the bad guy, or they may save you in the end. These are the complexities of human life.

But a good movie replicates life, not the other way around. Life is absurdly too complex to ever compare deeply to a movie. The variables that take place in this universe supersede anything Hollywood could ever curate. But if you have a supporting character in your movie, and you’re not just living out a life on an island with a volleyball, then you need to be grateful for them. You need to understand how lucky you are to have someone that cares for you and loves you (sometimes more than you love yourself). If you’ve developed a deep and meaningful connection over the course of years with this person, then you’re in the top 1%. So be grateful, just like you should be grateful for the food in your fridge, your gas in your car, the roof over your head, the opportunities that life presents you, the shower that you can take daily, the job that puts money in your bank account. We should be much more grateful for our connection with another amazing human being.

Now, is wanting more than JUST those things greedy? Yearning for a house when you live in an apartment, or more food in your fridge, or a bigger bed to sleep in…do these things make you greedy? After becoming complacent with one deep and meaningful connection with your human and wanting another one…does this define you as greedy? Does it mean that you’re not sinking in enough effort and love into the one you already have? “Greedy” is a scary word to start throwing around because it starts to really make things black and white, where this life that we live is complicated by society, economics, and variables beyond our control. There’s the argument that being overly grateful and complacent with our lives can lead to something people would call “settling.” So to chase more, does that make you greedy, ambitious, a “go-getter”…or does doing the opposite make you lazy, complacent, and stagnant? To pursue another deep and intimate relationship with another person, how can it not take from the one you already have? We all have only so much bandwidth to give to other humans, then to give to those in our family circle, and then the tight intimate partnership. When you start to dish out bandwidth in too many directions, your attention will wane. And we all know, attention is finite. There’s only so much of “us” that can go around.

Maybe you want space from that tight partnership you’ve formed over your years together. Maybe you need a vacation. Maybe you need to focus more inwardly than outwardly to understand your own emotions. But this is your movie, not mine. YOU figure it out.

There are not many answers found to these questions, but they’re certainly something we must ponder. If I was going mattress shopping, and my reliable and comfortable mattress of 12 years was sentient…how would they feel? “No, no, no Tempurpedic…it’s not you, it’s ME. I just need a little more leg room is all. I promise, we’re going to put you in the second bedroom. You get to be the guest bed! Isn’t that awesome! You get to introduce yourself to so many new people when they come over! Then they’ll ALSO get to experience how great you are.”

What a fucking nightmare. Then when you toss out an old washer it starts bitching about how it cleaned all your poopy underwear and how ungrateful we are. I imagine our old washer to have a raspy, smoked until 85 and I’m still working, kind of voice.

Just like the movie’s characters, just like what we’re grateful for around us, just like the love we share with the people around us, we need to be mindful of it all and consistently take stock of what we have. Be grateful but stay your path in your growth. Love all those around you, but keep that special kind of love for someone. We all need to feel special and sometimes you’re the one that has to do the heavy lifting for that person. Work hard to keep things new and interesting, because no one wants to settle into a rut. We’re all going to grow separately and see the world differently, but keep your bond fresh and strong. Just like a plant, it’s got to be fed. This ride is ours to take, and just like a roller coaster; you’re only going to have one person next to you. Hold their hand on those wild drops, laugh with them when it’s over, and when you get off that ride make sure to grab the picture from the booth because you may forget that moment and you’re going to need a reminder of who was there for you when our stomach was up in your throat.

You know, I made a to-do list at the beginning of the week. It was my to-do of the day: make sure this list is done and if anything needs to be added, add it to the lighter days. Well, turns out that there was a whole lot of shit to add. It feels like each day has been overwhelming and no matter what you do, you can’t get it all done. Then whatever I needed to get done tomorrow that I couldn’t get done today, it gets added to the list on top of everything that was already on it… on top of whatever else the day wants throw at me. We’ve all been there… putting out fires, handling shitstorms, whatever you want to call it, every day is its’ new adventure.

They say the mornings are the most silent. The mind doesn’t know what the afternoon will bring. There are days that once 1pm hits, the phone won’t stop buzzing, but the entire morning it was silent. Then it can be the opposite, too. So does that mean I need to get my ass up at 5 am to get anything done for myself? Or do we need to stay up until 5am? Or should we adopt one of those crazy sleep cycles where we nap for 20 minutes every 3 hours? Nope. Definitely not that.

I’m overreacting, I know I am. This is merely a busy week, busier than normal…and then finding there’s no time to accomplish any of the Christmas tasks. There’s food to cook, presents to buy, people I’m forgetting, browsing I need to do…it’s like I don’t even know what needs to get done yet. There’s a million things and people I’m forgetting, but I can’t figure out who or what they are.

The past couple nights I’ve been going to sleep with anxious energy. The only reason that I feel like I’m actually falling asleep is because of the level of physical activity I’m putting myself through. Without beating the everliving shit out of the body, the mind would be able to hit a higher gear. Thankfully my body drags it down into the realm of sleep like a set of concrete boots attached to it’s squirmy little legs. Sleeeeeeeeep my precious… sleep with the fishies.

THEN, the mind is kickstarting the day sucker-punching with a fist of anxious energy. You wake up at 6am thinking it’s 9am and you’ve lost the morning… but then the mind starts thinking about everything you’ve got to get done for the day. The body is still tired, still needs another cycle of REM to reach a solid level of recovery, but the mind says, “That’s fine…but are you excited to make that phone call to that upset customer? Are you excited to work on that financing project? IT’S GONNA EAT A BAG OF DICKS! OMNOMNOM”

Thanks, man. I thought we committed to positive thinking. Did someone forget about their promise? Hmmm…AM Kris is being a Negative Nancy. After we’ve broken the cycle and gotten into a rhythmic breathing to get our mind to ease up, it’s been 30 minutes. It’s not the biggest deal, please understand that…but to go to sleep with an overwhelmed mind and to wake up to the same mind just wears on the mental health. This constant feeling of everything piling up on the plate without being able to get anything off of it. Isn’t this what the 90’s used to call “going postal?” The thought being that the mail just keeps coming, keeps piling, you can never catch up. Then you snap and go on a massive rampage. Is this a real thing? I don’t know, but it certainly has some weighted logic to it. Newman would say so.

Lots of time is being spent driving too. With so much communication being done via email and text, I find myself emailing and texting while driving. This is just careless behavior. I’ve become what I couldn’t stand. I feel like I’m not living to my authentic self. The authentic, true-to-themself Kris doesn’t text while he drives. He doesn’t feel the need to email people back every 5 minutes. He doesn’t feel like the treadmill is speeding up with some unstoppable pressure on the accelerator. He doesn’t sleep with anxiety and he doesn’t wake to it. He’s easy going, he’s relaxed, he already has all his Christmas presents for everyone and everything is taken care of.

Okay, that last part is bullshit. The Christmas pressure would have been there regardless. Shopping happens until Christmas eve. Presents are put together the day before they go under the tree. The right amount of pressure turns coal into diamonds…right? It also turns Kris into a psycho. I suppose it’s not different than if that school project was due on Monday and I wait until Sunday to start working on it. And then I tell myself that I can wake up at 4am and get it done. Most times I did it, too. Somehow the grades were decent…most of the time.

It’s an indecisive mind at it’s core. There’s so many options, so many places to shop, so many choices to make…that it becomes easier to let yourself become paralyzed with overthinking than it is to just pull the trigger. We’re playing Secret Santa and my recipient never made a wish list, so I’m just taking a stab at it. Well, I’ve stabbed it 400+ times now. It’s still alive. Blood everywhere…Christmas blood has been shed. Baby Jesus is crying in his front lawn neon-lit nativity scene somewhere. They never made a wish list, I bought a gift, now I don’t like it and it’s controlled my thoughts. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE EASY GIFT! Indecision plus perfectionism and now no one gets Christmas. Everyone gets scratch tickets…good luck.

It’s just like writing – you can write a sentence, call it “shit,” start over…after hours of work you’ve gotten nothing done. It’s the same. fucking. thing. Let the creative mind do it’s thing and pick the gift that you think they’ll like. If they don’t appreciate the gift and the thought, then fuck ’em. Be blessed that someone thought of you regardless. And credit card gift cards are a sack of shit…you make the decision and get the gift for them, don’t gift someone with a “decision card.”

Or do. Maybe they collect them. Or maybe all they want is money. It happens.

Look at me…here…writing…when I have Christmas shopping to do.

Although…I could always get it done in the morning…

That James Cameron is a mother fucker. The dude did it again. For 3 hours of sitting in some semi-comfortable seats, eating beef jerky, listening to a baby cry, and watching blue and now GREEN aliens fight off the bad guy marines…I was enthralled.

This 3D movie made me forget that I was watching 3D. It made me feel like I was actually in the movie. At one point when it was raining in the film, I went to brush some water off of my jeans. I shit you not. Bullets were flying and I felt my head almost flinch out of the way. The lush forests and deep ocean waters looked like you could reach out and touch them. When CG wasn’t involved in the scene (which was very rare) the frame rate was so high that it continued to feel real, meaning it didn’t feel cinematic in that moment. The world-building craft was at it’s highest notch.

Characters were completely fleshed out. You felt for these on-screen blue and green balls of energy. You saw them grow from nothing and become something. We’ve known their mom and dad for the past 13 years. You could identify with their family troubles…to an extent. No one has every pulled on my tail or slapped me with their fin hand, though… that would be a new experience. Their battles were deeply entwined with the gray areas of a moral compass. Sometimes you feel like you’re doing the right thing but everyone tells you otherwise. Sometimes you follow the crowd and you pay the ultimate price for it. Sometimes you risk it for the biscuit, but the biscuit is a little…stale. The main point I’m trying to make is that we’re all trying our best, even these colorful little aliens from Pandora… and their fishy friends.

The culmination of the details to each creature made them feel so surreal. Sure, they were animated in a way that boggles my mind, but it was their uniqueness and purpose that stood out to me. New types of fish, birds, land animals that had a myriad of features that carried as much use as a cat’s whiskers or a jellyfish’s tentacles.…except you’d combine those 2, give it wings, and then it could glide across and above the water like a foil surfer.

The emotional ride that James puts you on makes you root for the good guys and boo the bad guys. When *SPOILER* _{the good guys die you cry}, *SPOILER OVER* when the bad guys die you cheer – not vocally, I may add. Your cinematic neighbors would not appreciate it. Source: I punched a baby. No, not really, but who brings a toddler to a 3 hour movie? Not a good cinematic neighbor, that’s who.

You’re on the edge of your seat during the action scenes, you’re in awe when they explore a new part of Pandora, you’re holding your crotch through the 3 hour run time hoping you won’t soak your favorite jeans, the seat below you, and subsequently the already confusingly sticky floor. There really is something to be said about the movie-going experience…it never really changes. Your snacks are outrageously priced, unless you think that bottled water should sell for $4.50 and that popcorn with fake butter costs a dollar per kernel. There’s always the crying baby. There’s always the really crinkly snack that someone brought in, but forgot their ability to open a plastic bag at home. It’s more of a 2000’s issue that’s come to the surface – but the people playing on their phones or not silencing them. You’re in a theater with live entertainment, you have to play on your phone too? What happened to your attention span?

In fact, we went and saw Louis CK over the weekend too. While he was hilarious, the crowd was horrendous. For a 90 minute show, I think I saw everyone in the theater get up and go to the lobby at least 17 times. Maybe 18. People next to us and in front of us were playing on their phones. In a sea of dark, when a phone lights up it’s wildly distracting and simultaneously astounding that someone would do it. You have one of the BEST performers in the world, one of the most creative minds, in one of the most beautiful theaters and you have to see what your friends are doing on Instagram? What world am I living in? Definitely not Pandora. Going to the movies is a little bit more understandable as James Cameron isn’t a few feat in front of you pouring their creative genius for you to ignore. He’s home. In his billion dollar home using $100’s to wipe his tears. He’ll be okay. But what about the people around you?

Have we, as a culture, started to lose our appreciation for said culture? Do we give a shit about our fellow humans around us anymore? Attention spans have shortened to that of a goldfish and if something is longer than 15 seconds people haven’t the ability to pay attention to it. This amazes me, mostly because the longer and deeper you go into any artistic piece, the more value it holds. We can pick up millions of data points in 15 seconds, but how much beauty can you find in the 15 seconds? How can you even have the time to fathom all the work, heartache, and emotion went into whatever you’re looking at or what you’re hearing or what you’re feeling? Even a YouTube video requires a few minutes of effort.

There’s hope in me, that as we become more and more connected through these tools we call phones, we will start to have more appreciation for our fellow human’s creation…and the appreciation for the appreciation of said human’s creations. If someone is getting lost in a creator’s art, maybe you should try to understand what it is that captivates them? …instead of pulling out your 5 million lumen cell phone and playing candy crush on full volume. Louis CK and James Cameron would thank you. But since you’ll never EVER interact with them, I guess you’ll have to take my word for it.

Avatar was amazing. Go see it.

This world can be quite frustrating at times. In fact, it can be goddamned overwhelming to a point that the word “frustrating” isn’t even the right word. How do you encapsulate a feeling into a word…an emotion that resembles internal and spontaneous combustion? It’s not anger, it’s not sadness, it’s just frustration at it’s purest form. It would be like using the word “hot” to describe the surface of the sun. It’s just inaccurate and not strong enough. The type of frustration that leaves you confused, irritated, both jaw and fists clenched. In that feeling, in that moment, you feel like you could launch a person to the moon and beyond. It’s doubtful that you’d find much release from such an action, but it’s probably more economically logical than launching multiple rockets with thousands of gallons of combustible fuel. Frustration – the new, clean energy, sending people to outer space since 2022.

There’s methods to handling such frustrations and unfortunately, shot-putting someone to Mercury isn’t the solution. We’re told to meditate, we’re told to exercise, to eat clean, to get a good night’s sleep, to stretch more, to move more, to drink more water, to sit less, to read more, and so on and so on. Most times these steps, whether it be a combination of them or a sole action, will work. You’ll see the frustration as a 3rd party and you won’t have to associate with it. Other times, these actions won’t work and you’ll become even more frustrated. You see, the emotion of frustration is like a soda being put into a paint mixer – anything you do seems to make it worse. The only thing that can alleviate that soda can’s pressure is either opening up the top and letting out the carbonated foam or just leaving it alone and giving it time. Or fuck it – shake it up more and throw it off the wall for a neat little soda explosion.

Similar to this soda can, it’s easy to start the process. All you need is something tiny to happen, like tipping it over while it’s sitting on the counter. It was an accident, no one’s fault really, but now the can has some pressure building inside of it. Now you either let it out now to abruptly end the cycle or you just give it some time before you can drink it. You can let it out slowly by just barely cracking it…or all at once and you just clean up the mess afterwards. Although, if it’s a soda BOTTLE and someone slipped a mentos in there, well, you’re going to have a mess on your hands… and possibly an ocular injury. You can open it now, you can open it later, but either way you’re getting soda all over yourself and everyone around you. You’re going to have to apologize, get paper towels, you’ll have to do some laundry or even buy someone some new clothes. You knew it was going to happen, but you had to put that mentos in there, didn’t you? NOW LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!

The frustration will pass, it’ll either come out quickly and pass through you, or you’re going to hold onto it by keeping the cap on it…and then when it opens you’re going to make quite the mess. Prepare the towels.

Take note while you’re driving alone in your car. We all, surely, have our own personal reactions while we’re sitting in a 2,000 motorized box of steel. When that person’s driving too slow, you get cut off, someone drives too close to your rear bumper, or someone’s just driving erratically…take notice of how you behave. If you’re barking to yourself while driving, you may just have a short fuse. Maybe you have a short fuse that day or maybe it’s that week or that month or it’s just how you’ve been acting for far too long? Maybe you’re just the most passive driver in the world and now you get nowhere because you’re letting everyone jump in front of you, you’re stopping when you see a yellow light, and you’re driving 10 under the speed limit. Hopefully that’s not how you live life.

Now, I want to be clear – I am not currently frustrated and nor have I really been today. But this feeling does creep into my life from time to time and I want to address it. Sure, a little frustration can cause us to act in a proactive manner, to get out of a sticky situation. But a lot of frustration can cause to alienate friends, family, kind strangers, and ourselves. If frustration seeps into my mood, it can disrupt my breathing, cloud my mind, and become cyclical. You know what’s REAAALLY frustrating? Being frustrated… and not being able to shake it. I don’t think there’s enough THC/CBD to alleviate this cycle sometimes. Even meditation is only like opening the cap slowly, making a slow mess, and then having a flat soda. It’s not idea, but it’s better than an explosion…unless you’re into that type of thing, but I guarantee the people around you aren’t.

Just like everything in our universe, even frustration needs its’ opposite. Without the moments of frustration, we wouldn’t be able to enjoy the relative peace that we engage in daily. Without that GRRRRRRRRRR building up inside, we couldn’t enjoy a wagging tail. We all want to feel that internal peace more than we feel the frustration and turmoil, at least I hope we do. There’s probably some people that are addicted to the antonyms of peace. That’s their form of self-sabotage. If there’s always drama in your life, it’s easy to ignore the dumpster fire happening around you. I’m immediately reminded of the dog wearing a hat, sitting in his kitchen, drinking his coffee… while a fire roars around him.

We live lives that are far different than how our brains are wired to handle them. We’re connected to almost every human on the planet at all times. Think about that. At any point you can get a phone call from across the world and speak with someone you’ve never interacted with. That’s far removed from the tribes and villages we evolved with. Who knows, maybe they actually do have chikity-China the Chinese chicken.

So yeah, we’re going to become a little frustrated from time to time. If you knock the can over, release that carbonation instantly and deal with it. Don’t let it build because it gets worse. Pop the top, clean up the mess, then drink your almost-completely carbonated soda. Or seltzer water. Or beer. Or kombucha.

There’s something much worse than feeling pain. There is something much darker than feeling sadness. There is something much more unfortunate than being down in the dumps. There is the chance that you’ll feel nothing at all. You’ll feel absolutely numb. You’ll feel no joy or sadness for yourself. What you considered your purpose or your goals will be irrelevant to your daily existence. You’ll question everything and ask yourself, “What’s the point?” as you go to do it. It’s a bleak and frightening feeling. It’s a feeling of not exactly feeling defeated, but that no matter what you do you won’t feel fulfillment, excitement, or a zest for life. I guess you can’t be defeated if you don’t try. You’re not even sad about it, you’re just going through the motions. You’re doing everything that you do on a day-to-day basis. Your morning routines, your exercise routines, your routine of routines. There’s no sadness in it and no joy in it either. There’s just a numb realization of “What’s the point?” You’re bored and even bored of being bored.

There’s a voice in my head that comes up with brilliant creative ideas, revolutionary ones that could shape my life and that of those around me for the better. But before it can finish speaking it’s sentence, there’s another voice speaking up and shouting out a million reasons why it’s going to fail. Unfortunately, the negative voice is much louder than the positive one. It’s louder, it’s stronger, it’s a bully that beats the loving and creative voice into a pulp which then never wants to speak up anymore. The fear mongering voice continues to beat the creative and loving voice down until it doesn’t even feel like its’ voice has no worth. It’s so engrained with fear that it will come up with an idea but then before it has a chance to speak, it will already shut itself down. It’s voice-ception. The negative voice doesn’t even have to speak anymore when the creative voice doesn’t interject. The bully has done its’ job and walks the beat like a security guard working at an empty warehouse. There’s nothing worth guarding, but he’s still there to do his job JUST IN CASE something happens. And then when something might happen, he’ll go overboard because he’s been so bored.

This isn’t healthy, but something tells me I’m not the only one that’s endured this. I’d rather just be able to engage the creative voice and follow through with action. How many times have you had a brilliant idea but immediately found reasons why it would fail? Or even had friends that have those ingenious “What-if” ideas that just never come to fruition… then you find your friend back at their miserable 9-5 and scared to live? Shit, man… why do we have that voice? What purpose does it serve? It’s the same voice that speaks up when we’re stricken with a fearful scenario…he gets louder and stronger. I do understand that we have control of the inner-monologue. We speak louder than the voice of fear and control our outcomes. But how many hours of the day must we practice overcoming the voice of an internal bully? Did our external bullies cultivate the internal bully? Are we left with a sort of PTSD from our childhood troubles? Why do I feel stuck? It feels like I’m playing a game of Monopoly and I’m stuck in jail while everyone else’s game continues to progress. Where the fuck is my “get out of jail free” card? I have an Uno Reverse…does that work? What do you MEAN you own Park Place and Boardwalk?

Every time there’s some sort of idea that comes into my mind about creating a service that would benefit others and myself, there’s this voice that comes out of the woodwork (what does that even mean?) to tell me why it will fail. I become petrified to make any sort of attempt and then I’m back to the routine. I’m back to the same old shit, different day and then I can’t even enjoy the things or the people that I know I DO enjoy. How can I enjoy martial arts when I’m not growing outside of the school? How can I enjoy spending time with my fiancé when I can’t figure out how I’m going to be her husband? How can I enjoy an evening of rest when I feel like I haven’t done anything to earn it?

These are the frustrating battles I continue to fight. Today, well…today was a day that I woke up feeling numb… again. Waves of nausea from some bug, followed by anxiety from unable to do my work, which in turn amplified the anxiety, which then turned into an overwhelming sense of, “What’s the point?” The concern being that no matter how hard I try, in this avenue, I’ll never be successful. Without the passion, without giving a fuck, I’ll never be the “greatest solar salesman.” That’s not an award I want to win. Is it about reframing the question? Is life all about giving yourself an award for becoming the “best __ ever?”

I was listening to a Vlog of a friend that is out west training for his next upcoming fight and he said something that really struck a chord with me. He talked about after coming off a loss he signed up for his next fight and really didn’t tell anyone. He didn’t search for sponsors, he didn’t tell his friends, he just knew that he had to win for himself. It wasn’t about the promotion, the person he was fighting, for his family, for his friends…he had to do it for himself. I really truly understand that. As much as peer pressure can work on accomplishing certain feats, it can also work against you. What good would it be for me to announce to the world that I’m writing in a blog and never made any effort towards it? I might as well shit in my hands and clap. It would be just as useful.

It makes sense that sometimes we just need a win for us. I don’t need it for the people around me, I don’t need it for some sponsorships, I don’t need it for fame, I don’t need it for attention in general. I just need a fucking win, man. I need a win for myself. I need to look at myself in the mirror each day and know that I have worth, that I have a reason to be on this planet with everyone else. To feel like you don’t carry your weight is a miserable burden. Not only to yourself, but you feel like a burden to anyone around you. It’s about finding a win each day, whatever that might be. It’s like a seasonal sport – there’s a goal of reaching the championship to give yourself some award. I don’t know where I’m aiming yet, but we can’t just keep showing up to play the game. There’s got to be something that picks us up in these dark times and reminds us of WHY we’re doing this. Yeah, we do it for the love of the game, but if love is a scale, then how much do we love it? If we love it to the point where it’s a seesaw that sends a cannonball to the moon, then how do we express our love of the game? And what game is it? How do we win it? What award are we going to give ourselves? It’s not the best solar salesman, that’s for sure.

Is this an identity crisis? I’m not sure how it’s defined. What I do know is that I’m struggling to commercialize or monetize my purpose on this planet. I know what it is, to an extent. I know that I’m here to make people happy, to see them smile, to help them make progress in their own lives. These demons that tear us down, these demons that take a mile when you give them an inch…I’m no stranger to them. I’ve helped people take control of their lives, inspire others, and better the moods of people around me for as long as I can remember…But I can’t continue to do it at the sacrifice of my own well-being. I don’t want to be the crying-clown metaphor anymore.

Anyone that reads this, you are significant to me. One way or another, you’re important to me. You could be anonymous on the internet, or one of my best friends, but you mean something to me. Something positive. I’m grateful that you’ve read this and I wish you’d leave a comment or even a “like.” As someone that’s become pretty dedicated to content creation, it’s really appalling at how few people can click a thumbs-up on a video or a post. BUT, I’m going to continue to create, because I’m sure it’s going to help someone out there. Keeping that in mind, if I can help even ONE soul on this maddening planet, then I’ve done my job.

Again, I’m not sure how to survive in this world and simultaneously live out my purpose, but I know that I need to take action. That voice needs to take a vow of silence or I need to work on controlling the inner monologue better. There’s great potential here, I’m on the cusp of living up to it. Oddly enough, every report card I ever got (EVEN WITH A’S IN THE CLASS) I always had “failing to live up to potential.” Those multiple-choice comments would have meant a lot more had the teacher actually said them to me. All I want to do on this Earth, is to help everyone and anyone live up to their potential. I want to help everyone see past their bullshit and realize how much they have to offer this world. For some, that’s a longer road traveled than others. Some people are RIGHT THERE… and some people have a lot of heavy lifting to do. Regardless…we can all get closer.

This life isn’t easy and this life isn’t all smiles, but it’s worth living. It’s worth feeling the pain so you can feel the joy. It’s worth crying so you can laugh harder. It’s worth exercising so you can enjoy the rest. It’s worth all of it’s ups and downs. But as soon as you feel numb, it’s time to take a minute and reevaluate, because that’s the most frightening spot that any of us can be in.

I love you all and I welcome you all unconditionally. It’s okay to be happy, sad, scared, excited…all of it. As long as you’re feeling, you’re doing something right.

As I sit here, early on a Thursday night, repeatedly clearing my throat (or trying to) and blowing my nose endlessly, I am struck with the dichotomy of how awesome a sick day could be as a kid versus how limited you are when you’re an adult. One was fairly enjoyable while the other is a massive inconvenience.

As a kid you can hang home and enjoy some of those lazy, kid activities. You can watch tv, play video games, read a book, sleep excessively, and do whatever brings you joy while you’re feeling physically down and out. There’s no guilt for not getting work done, there’s no fear that you’re behind everyone else, there’s no thought besides the “now.”

NOW, as an adult, there’s the guilt of not accomplishing as much as you had set out to do from when you were healthy, there’s the FOMO that can set in if you’re missing a gathering or event, and then there’s the thoughts of mortality too. Like, what if this borderline flu is ovarian cancer? Wait, can a guy get ovarian cancer even if they don’t have ovaries? What if there’s a form that can be transmitted to guys? Wait, cancer isn’t transmittible? What if it’s like…super cancer? You know, like how COVID became super COVID for a little bit? Then it became Cooties COVID? Then it became borderline insanity for some people? I saw a couple driving in a car together and both had 2 masks on their face. I don’t understand it anymore, I don’t question it anymore, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t at least chuckle at it.

At what point do we start to lose our love for the now? When do we grow to become so set in our routines that having a day off from it sets us into some sort of panic? Sure, we all have some drive to become successful. We know that staying the path, putting one foot in front of the other, and staying positive will help get us there, but isn’t it okay to stop for a minute? Sometimes we (literally, in this case) need to stop and catch our breath. No, I don’t enjoy sitting home when I could be training with my friends, working with clients, or accomplishing something that gives me a …sense of accomplishment.

Could I lay on the couch, read a book and fade into a nap? Most definitely. My body feels like a sack of asthmatic potatoes that smoked a bunch of weed with a cigar wrapped around it. Would taking a nap feel amazing even though it would keep me up all night? Yeah, most likely. What about if we just sat here and played a game for a little bit? That would be fun. But would you feel guilty for playing a game during a time that’s usually much more productive? Yup. So would you really enjoy the game? No, but the dopamine kick would be fun. Does being truly unsatisfied with something while it chemically feeds you dopamine allow for you to enjoy it? Is there some deep thought in you that knows that the dopamine kick is being artificially induced?

This is all so confusing. I just want to feel better. What’s wild, is that I typically take really good care of my health, but I guess there are just some viruses that can sneak through the cracks. Look at all those Star War movies – the empire was undefeated, almost impenetrable… but those sneaky rebels were able to land their million in one shot and sneak through the empire’s ONLY defense. Well played, rebels. But seriously, fuck this virus.

Each morning I wake up and tell myself how grateful I am for my health… and today was no different. The thought is, this could be way worse. My health is still great. This little bug will pass. It’ll be gone in a day or 2 and I’ll be back at it. But there could have been something far more terrible that took over. The fever could have been so bad that I wasn’t able to function at all, or I had to go to the hospital. I could have needed some sort of surgery. What if I woke up and I was missing a toe? Just went through all my tenets of being grateful for something and then the count stopped at 9… because one of my pinky toes was gone. Vanished. No trace of the pinky toe. Maybe it got up in the middle of the night and WALKED out… or maybe it tippy-toed. Thank you, you can save your applause until the end.

It can always be worse. We have to be happy for where we’re at. Would I rather be feeling my 100% instead of 50% with a damaged lung? Yup, of course. But what if my 50% was my new 100%? THAT would be far worse, so we’ve got to be grateful for what we’ve got.

On the flip side, what if our 100% could be 150% of what it is now? Multiply how you feel by 1.5. That’s how you feel from now on when you’re 100%. How do we get to such a level? That’s the question that should drive us. How do we constantly improve to become something greater than we are now? What steps must we take to improve consistently so that one day we can look back and think to ourselves, “Wow, I’ve come a long fucking way from where I was before.” So that means, this 50% that I’m at currently, was my 100% of who I was years ago.

Wow… I’ve come a long fucking way. You have too, remember that. Remind yourself of it. When you’re feeling like shit, I guess you’ve got to go with the flow and listen to yourself – inside and out. My body wants to chill. We need to be in a lower gear today and not push those RPM’s. It’s okay to go a little slower today or idle for a minute. Tomorrow is a new day. It’s all a marathon…sometimes we need to walk, sometimes we need to jog, sometimes we need to sprint. Right now, I’m taking a breather.

Everything is fast. Express. Quick. Speedy. Minute Rice.

What happened to “good things come to those who wait?” Is that even a thing anymore? Are we all just trying to jam so much shit into our days that we can’t even take a moment to eat a good meal… or take a shit? We need to microwave food instead of heating it in the oven. 5 minute abs. Fast food. The list is endless.

Couldn’t we start to enjoy and boast about how long we did something for? Or how much time we had to do something? Like to cook up a meal that took over an hour, we don’t think of that as incompetence. We would look at it like a feat and then immediately the thought would be, “Damn, it’s got to be tantalizing.”

Wouldn’t it make sense to look at any “express” mart or Quick this/that/the other as something that cut some corners? There’s probably something not all that great about minute rice or some other microwavable garbage that’s sitting in the depths of my freezer. Going to the express mart is going to have an underwhelming amount of overpriced options and heating up the poisonous freezer burnt food in the microwave will ruin our insides. Just take your tiiiime.

We’re rushing to get out of bed, rushing to get to work, rushing to get more work done than we can reasonably handle, then we rush to get lunch, rush to be back, rush to the gym, rush to get home, rush to have dinner, rush to get into bed. Fuuuuuck all the rushing. All for what? To do it again tomorrow? To get more in on a day than the person next to you? What happened to the quality over quantity debate? Would you rather have your house built in a couple days or would you rather they took their time and did everything right, yet it took 6 months? I’d lean towards the latter. There’s a saying that…”You can have it done fast, you can have it done cheap, and you can have it done well… but you can only pick 2.” If it’s going to be done quick and well, it won’t be cheap. If you want it cheap and fast, it won’t be good. If you want it cheap and good…it’s not going to be fast.

If we’re all taught patience at an early age, or at least start to understand it, then why are we all stuck trying to get to some destination quicker than anyone else? And do you even know the destination? To be totally transparent…I do not. There’s no idea where this train is taking me, but one thing is for sure…I’m in no rush to get there. What’s the point of rushing around? Just to get to the next thing? It only makes you anxious, stressed, and annoyed at your fellow human. How can you stop to smell the roses if you’re too busy going 90 down the interstate and cussing out anyone going remotely close to the speed limit? Fuck outta the way, gramps, I need to get to where I’m going…so that I can get to the next place. Unless you’re going to save a life directly, slow down.

Why is it called “rush hour?” I cannot, for the life of me, make sense of this expression. If we’re all rushing to get to work, wouldn’t we rush there earlier? Would we rush to get caught in the massive traffic jam? Is it because the people that left 2 hours before work begins are considered “rushing” to get to work and now there’s an hour of which they’re stuck? What’s considered rushing? What’s the actual definition?

Rush – To move with urgent haste

Okay, so is sitting in your car in bumper to bumper traffic for 2 hours considered “urgent haste?” I’d argue that if you were driving through the traffic, zigging and zagging, using the breakdown lanes, not taking other people’s lives into account.…well, THAT would be urgent haste. But listening to my podcast, sipping on coffee, and pondering about the deep questions of life is by NO MEANS “urgent haste.” I’d say it’s casual bustling.

Let’s slow down a little bit. Let’s talk to our friends and family a bit more. Let’s realize that whatever is “urgent” on your desk, is nothing you’ll remember a couple days or weeks from now. If your life was on the line, would we consider it urgent? If your wife was about to have a child in the hospital, would you consider that same task urgent? Would you be rushing to get all of your work done so that you could go see your newborn? Are you going to shovel down your lunch so that you can get back work? The question probably boils down to this – what are the hourly, daily, and long term priorities?

Is your family life a priority? Is the upkeep of your home a priority? Is making sure that your boss is happy a higher priority than those? What about your health? Is your long-term health going to take priority over work sometimes? I would certainly hope so. How many of those protein shakes that make your farts smell like Brussel sprouts mixed with skunk urine can you drink before you shit out an organ? Maybe it’s okay to spend a few extra minutes cooking up some quality food, or waiting a little longer for the steak to cook instead of microwaving some flash frozen trash. How much “fast food” can you eat before all the visceral fat in your body clogs your arteries? Do you really want to find out?

This all spun off a thought that I had when I was getting gas. There was a sign that said “Uno’s Express” at the gas station and I couldn’t help but think, “Who the fuck is eating that trash? Why can’t people just wait a few minutes to get to where they’re going and eat some actual food?” Obviously it isn’t like the Uno’s we used to go to because that gas station attendant doesn’t have near as much of the culinary prowess that those cooks do. Even if they did, they wouldn’t disrespect the pizza to a point that they cooked it in a gas station. Just cut out the express and go to the real Uno’s, unless you want worms. Because that’s how you get worms.

Procrastination. What in the fuck is it? Why do we do it? What benefit does it give us? Why do now what could have been done earlier? What’s being posted on Instagram right now? Let me go check my email real quick. Okay, nothing to respond to. Let me rip through reddit for a minute. Okay, nothing huge happening in the world right now. Did I check Instagram? Maybe someone sent me a message I need to respond to. Oh, I should probably check facebook while I’m at it. Was my email already at 3,958 messages or was it at 3,957? Let me see if I got a new email. I want to make sure I do all of this right before I sit down to write so I have a clear mind and don’t have to pick up my phone. Wait, did I get a text message? Let me check. Nope, nothing. Okay, cool…so now I can sit down to write. Well, I should probably fill my water and put on my boots first, that way I can REALLY focus on my writing. Did I pack my bag for jiujitsu? Yes, okay… great, no distractions now…. what’s going on outside?

What. In. The. HELL is this loop that we can get locked into? Procrastination serves absolutely no one. It gets in our way to actually create. It’s like another form of resistance that sneaks up on us and interrupts what we’re trying to hone in on the muse and hear her wisdom. By no means was it important to check my email (again) or get wrapped up in Instagram (again) or open facebook (I never actually did this, because no one really uses facebook and it’s not even fun to look through. Okay, maybe some people use it, but it’s never anything appealing. I might as well open LinkedIn… at least they’re not trying to bullshit anyone. Or maybe they are, I don’t know. I don’t use that one either).

The loop of checking the nonsense on our phones, social media, news apps, YouTube etc. really just slow us down. This entry could have been done an hour ago but I had to make sure that I did a million other unproductive things before I could sit down to write. Doing the dishes, shaving, packing my bag, and changing were all productive and alleviated the thoughts cluttering my mind, but opening my phone did me no good. I would have been better off opening the window and staring at the ocean with a cool breeze on my face for 10 minutes instead. Which would feel really nice right now…one second. Yeah, that did feel nice.

We have such little guaranteed time on this planet, in this existence. There are so many people that fade off this plane of reality every day with all the plans that they had for “tomorrow.” Tomorrow doesn’t exist. It’s not real. We push things off for the “Tomorrow” version of ourselves, but who the hell said we were going to wake up in the morning? You know what is promised to us? Now. Now is the only moment you’re guarantied. We could have a million things happen to us within the next few hours that could steal our ability to function in the future. It could be an injury, illness, life-altering event, or even ALIENS. Aliens could invade. If aliens invaded us in the next hour, how many regrets are you going to have? Personally, I’ll be wishing I had gotten my LTC. All the things you wanted to do that you pushed off for tomorrow, the weekend, next week, next month, next year, and on and on it goes. Why do we do it? Does it seem easier to do it in the future? We all know it isn’t. I love the excuse of “I’ll have more energy tomorrow.”

Why? Why are you going to have more energy tomorrow than you do currently? What is tomorrow? It’s a made up time that may or may not exist. It’s not actually real. Think about it… by the time that it gets “here” (wherever that may be) it’ll be now. So if we’re thinking ahead to a time that we want to experience and prime ourselves to be more prolific in our work, why wouldn’t we just do that for ourselves … now? We all experience time a little differently, hence “time is relative,” right? Okay, today might be flying by for someone that’s getting a million things done, but for me I’m experiencing it a little slower than someone… but a little faster than another person. Infants won’t even remember today. If I was sitting in a sauna at 200 degrees, 20 minutes is going to feel like an hour. Every minute will feel like 5 minutes. If we were doing sprints up a massive hill with a weight vest on, each second will feel like an eternity. If I was laying down watching a blockbuster film, then an hour will feel like a minute. It’s rel-a-tiiiiiive.

If time is relative, then when we push our tasks out a day, we’re relying on ourselves to be present in the “future” to feel a certain way and approach these tasks thinking they’re easier than yesterday. They won’t be easier, they’re going to be more difficult because of the pressure we’ve now put on ourselves to get them done and all the unnecessary thinking we’ve done about them. But is that even us? It’s like we passed the buck to another version of yourself with the, “I don’t wanna do it…YOU do it,” and we’re assuming they’re going to say “OKAY BOSS!” with a big smile on their face. They’re probably going to be even more reluctant, the time in between here and now will drag on (you’ve now slowed it down with some good ol’ fashioned mental suffering), and the task will be the classic “mountain out of a molehill.”

Knowing each day is a blessing, that our time here is finite, that worry of the future pulls us from the present, that guilt of the past pulls us from the present, we owe it to ourselves to get shit done right here and right now. Without the present, there is no future and there is no past. I’m not sure if any of this made sense, but my goal was to sit down and get my writing done…and here we have it – a post.

Some day it’ll be a book. Some day….

WAIT!!!…