Man, I love alcohol, but I really don’t love alcohol. Such a love hate relationship. It’s a social lubricant, makes the dullest of times even a little more exciting, and it makes me feel funny in my pants. It helps round the edges, so to speak. The mind isn’t focused on the grand scheme as it is just relaxed and trying to enjoy itself. A couple of drinks and quarantine isn’t so bad!

But then a couple of hours later, quarantine doesn’t make you feel all that great. Personally, I sleep like dogshit after a drink or 5. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night sweating and overheating and unable to fall asleep for another hour while my body processes all the poison I force-fed it. I’ll wake up late and feeling even more exhausted than I usually would. My brain feels like it was used as a basketball. Then my body… goddamn. I’m bloated all over on the outside and then probably on the inside too.

I’ve heard the whole “Well, you could just NOT drink, Kris.” Yeah, I could do that. I could also wear orange robes, sandals, and swear off any semblance of a life to chase some pious bullshit while humming and bowing until I have a herniated disc. Fuck off with your boring but sound solution.

I enjoy drinking. I enjoy the state of mind I can be in and how much a nagging sense of social anxiety fades. A decision to be a little more impulsive can lead to a great story, a wild but foggy memory that you’ll have forever shared with family and friends. “But it can always lead to problems too, Kris.” WE KNOOOW. WE ALL FUCKING KNOW. We’ve been told by every adult EVER. PLEASE, revel us in your cautionary tale of drunk driving, health issues, and when you “couldn’t get it up.” I could also die having a poop. Shit’s crazy. Now get back to arguing on Facebook about Trump and why meat is evil.

It’s a fine line you have to walk between relaxed and ridiculous. When you’re a couple drinks in, it takes a seasoned veteran to realize how far they are and when they’ve reached their limit. Some people never ranked up, never learned, and therefor never know when enough is enough. But I’m sure that spills over into their day to day life – I can almost guarantee it. We all know the definition of insanity, right?

Vodka, whiskey, wine, tequila, cider, a sour beer … they’ve all got their purpose.

Vodka – Quality and quantity. Perfect for those weeks stuck indoors when you’ve been laid off and unemployment is so bogged down they can’t properly fix your claim…Deep Eddy’s leaves no hangover, is cheaper than the other top shelf vodka’s while tastes better than any of the rest.

Whiskey – Like hot sauce or a smack in the ass. To be sipped and enjoyed with a little burn. An earned drink that pairs well with red meat and Cuban cigars. I’ve come to enjoy a lime or 2 on occasion. Suntory Japanese whiskey is my favorite so far. I still love all of the Johnny Walker’s though.

Wine – Red. Aged in bourbon barrels. Dry. Strong. Viscous. I want to drink bourbon blood with a steak dinner but yet also be romantic and rustic. Exitus has my heart at the moment, but I’m sure something new will roll around at some point. If I drink white wine I’ll start prancing and eating straight vegan with flowers in my hair. Cranberry wine (made from cranberries, not grapes or mixed with grape wine) is the exception to the rule. That goes down like juicy juice … and pairs well with Deep Eddy’s.

Tequila – The night is young, let’s party. Don Julio* has yet to disappoint, guess I’ll stay loyal to my Mexican Heritage (I’m Irish). I’m still going to sip it over ice, salt on the rim, and a lime, but it’s the weekend and I’m not going to bed until midnight WOOOOOOOO!! Let’s discuss dangerous topics like political correctness and why pants are even a thing.

*I’ve only had the 1942 once and loved it. But the “blanco” was my go-to in Mexico. Delish

Cider – I miss beer but I don’t miss feeling like I ate a loaf of bread. Let’s go dry-as-fuck so I’m drinking alcoholic apple seltzer, but natural. Ace Joker Dry: 3 grams of sugar and 6.9%. I don’t want to drink 10 to feel a buzz, but I’m going to drink the entire 6 pack over the course of the day. This is the best of all worlds – STRONG, DRYYYY (sugar in my booze? I’ll slap you), and there’s 6 of them. Or at least… there were.

Sour Beer – Just like sourdough bread, it doesn’t grow in my stomach. I love beer, I could be like a taste tester who spits it out. I love the taste, but if it’s going in my stomach it best play nice. Sour beer sits great while has a very unique flavor profile… it’s sour. As long as you go into it realizing it’s a Warhead and not a Jelly Belly, you’ll like it. Highly recommend Victory’s Sour Monkey. Well priced, super flavorful, they clock in at about 9.5% …and there’s 6 of them. Pace yourself, these go down easy and they really are 9.5%.

It’s currently 12pm on the dot (weird). I’ve been told by many people smarter than me “It’s five o’clock somewhere.”

I mean .. When in Rome.. or

“When in Quarantine…”

But for real, drink responsibly. Not like an underaged asshole drinking anything that they can get their hands on until they pass out. You’re an adult. Drink something with purpose. Have a driver if you need one or stay the night, no one’s going to judge you for being smart and realizing you’ve had too much. And know when to stop. No one likes the loud asshole that can’t form a sentence. Except your enemies and demons… they love it.