I want to write a book. Goddamn, I’ve wanted to write one forever. Since I was a kid spending countless days in my room losing myself in worlds that were created in my mind from words on a page, I’ve aspired to do the same. Words on paper that could allow someone to create, use, or just generally enjoy – I’ve felt it was something I could do.

It’s something I CAN do. Something I WILL do.

I just don’t know what to fucking write.

Recently, of no searching of my own, this video arrived on my YouTube feed. I know, I know… YouTube takes my data and then throws shit my way to keep me on their site. I know. BUT I ENJOY IT. I’m not raiding the capital, preaching to everyone about my political views, or learning how to make bombs, I’m just browsing a couple videos while I eat lunch. You’ve wasted times worse ways, we all have. Big brother blah blah blah.

REGARDLESS, I watched this video while I was already a few pages into writing a book and afterwards I was filled with self-doubt.

“He’s probably right. What the fuck am I even writing about anyways? Should this be the topic I want to write about? Would I enjoy writing fiction more?”

Questions RIPPED through my mind, all questioning my motives and purpose behind writing a book. Timmy boy brings up some good points. Once it’s down on paper, you can’t take it back. It’s like taking this blog, printing each and every post, stapling it together, and then dropping it at everyone’s front door. The whole reason this blog started was to have a voice that could be heard… even if just by chance. Actually, MOSTLY by chance. It was a solid year before this domain was posted anywhere. I wanted to make sure I would be consistent with it before sharing it with anyone. There have been too many times I’ve started something and then quit out of pure laziness.

But a book, published through Amazon (since it’s so damn simple these days), and then advertised, sold, etc… was it something I felt so strongly about? Whatever was going down on paper, would it be something I could stand behind for the rest of my life?

We all make mistakes. That’s how life gets better – you fuck up, learn from it, do it better the next time. That’s how I was looking at the book. If my first one’s going to suck anyways, shouldn’t I just get to work and pump it out? Rip that bandaid right off. That’s how I addressed the first few pages. It’s not going to be good yet, there’s no way, just start writing and we can make fixes later.

But looking back after watching this video, I questioned whether or not I was ready for a book, whether it would be worth reading for anyone. These are thoughts that come from that critical side of the self, not the creative side. But this same self can save us from a lot of mistakes that we should have already learned from… right?

Consistently writing for a couple years now, I know that my skills as a writer have improved, but just because you can shoot an arrow dead center of the bullseye doesn’t mean you know how to hunt. One helps the other, you need one for the other, but it doesn’t mean you’re going to be a great hunter or even a successful one.

Honestly, and this whole blog is about honesty, I wanted to put out a book on self-improvement. That’s what was in the works. Sure, there’s a million of these titles out there, but if your voice can help even one person, it’s worth it. But do you have the experience to talk about it? Do you have the information some people will need? Can you fill a book? Is this book for them or is it really for you?

Fuck, man. Just self-doubt and the critical self being aggressive… but asking really good questions. I’ve made drastic improvements in my life and feel that my advice can help, yes. There have been lots of people that I’ve spoken with, successful in their careers – doctors, lawyers, etc… but just some wisdom from a 20-something was something they needed to hear. So sure, I guess I have an insight on life that some people could benefit to hear. Why me? Because why not? I may not have the most life experience, but surely there’s some people out there that would rather listen to a regular dude than Ghandi. Is it for the reader or for me? Both.

I (me) want to spend my time (me, again) helping other people (the reader, listener, whatever) get their head on straight. Some people fight procrastination (yup, me too), some people drink too much (time to time I need to dry out), some people are scared of the world and the people in it (some days I’m riddled with anxiety and would prefer solitude).

These issues are not one’s that I’ve conquered or will seemingly ever conquer, but I deal with them. Over time, I’ve created different mechanisms and habits to overcome whatever struggles I’m dealing with that day. This blog consists of a different day and a different struggle for me. Writing has been a huge help in keeping my mind straight, but it isn’t the end-all-be-all. There are so many things I need to do when I meet resistance. If not done, the mind runs wild… like a little kid the size of the Hulk running a tantrum in a china shop. Cliche, but true.

What about fiction, Kris? Would you have more fun putting all you’ve learned into some poetic story filled with metaphor? Actually, that isn’t a bad idea. Thanks, Kris. I’ve always wanted to make a movie of some sort, tell a story whether through written word of film… but quite honestly (again, all about being straight here), where does one start?

The last time I wrote fiction was on this blog and although it was fun, damn was it time consuming. I guess the things we love take the most time. I remember when I was in 4th grade I had to write a fictional story to get into the extended learning program. It was a nerdy program, but it was where all the “smart kids” got to go during regular class for a couple hours a week. I always wanted to be in that club, just to feel like I had some sort of affirmation that I was “smart.” Well, I got in, but it didn’t last long as I got the boot at the end of the year. I made the really, really smart (and probably autistic, looking back on it) girl cry over her project. Whatever I said or did, it was a music-coming-to-a-screeching-halt moment. Oh well… whatever, nerds. Life goes on.

BUT, I remember the entrance exam and how much fun I had writing. There’s moments like this peppered throughout our lives where we remember creating something, whether it be a moment, a story, a film – whatever – but it holds value in our memories. I’ve made video game highlight clips and had a blast, I wrote stories and enjoyed the fuck out of it, I made my entire class laugh from jokes I told (or impressions I made of the authority figure). These stand out as I look back on my 35 years of life. Not that sale at the store I made, not that time I cleaned up some douchebags table, none of it. The creations we made are what stick out.

So will I write a book? Yes, dude… I already said that.

Do I know what I’ll write? A bunch of shit, I’m sure.

What’s first? This blog.

But then what? I DON’T KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW.

….I don’t know.

I think of writing, both journaling and blogging, to be like math class. Your teacher would give you equations that needed to be solved. Even with a calculator, you would need to break down each problem out on paper. That’s what writing has become. Not to fill your time with useless metaphors, but life is the teacher and writing is just doing it out on paper. Journaling reminds me of doing homework, where you could fuck around and just see what happened while no one watched. Blogging is more like the quiz or test, where your teacher would see your mathematical thinking exposed and help lead you in the right direction.

Through continuous writing, I’ll figure out what I want to write. But I’m closer than I’ve ever been. And I hope you are too, whoever you are and wherever you are and whatever you’re after. Life is too short to let it pass by. Make your decision and run with it.

I’m going to write a book. Not sure what, but the process has already begun.