Hours ago I was sitting in this very chair and, yet again, trying to formulate a thought about something or other. It could of been about being selfless, it could have been a self-depreciation of how I’m selfish, I really don’t remember. There was too much noise. Music was going, I had watched a couple YouTube videos, sent too many emails, paid too many bills, answered a bunch of calls, made some calls, ate some lunch and then before I could actually gather my thoughts, I realized I was overwhelmed. Oh boy was I the poster child for overwhelmed. And all by my own doing.

My anxiety was spiking, my heartrate was high, my heart itself was up in my throat. I was growing tired of my surroundings. It felt like the room I was in was filled with clouds of my problems. Everywhere I looked I saw “money problems,” “you need to exercise,” “you need to generate more leads,” “you’re going to run out of money before you make any,” “you’re fucked.” It felt like a noxious gas that would drown me alive. The clouds grew the more I thought of them, which made it easy because I kept staring at them. It felt like I could reach out and touch them. My surroundings were starting to poison me, but only because I released the poison. I gassed myself and I kept opening the valve to the tank.

Enough was enough. I needed to move. It felt like I needed to run as fast as I could from these toxic bubbles but the gas had me paralyzed and confused me. I didn’t know where to go or how to go anywhere. I had done my breathing exercises earlier, stretched, took my cold shower, journaled. But what tends to happen after I’m done writing is I will shoot straight to the gym to burn the nervous energy and calories so I can eat lunch and if I miss anything later in the day, at least this workout got done. In the evenings, I’ll train my martial arts and my arms will immediately turn to noodles, but at least I’m learning.

It didn’t seem that sprints and speed were the answer.

But a long walk with some white noise playing through my earbuds was the answer.

The fresh air, the fresh sights, fresh personalities, kids playing, tourists staring at a rock without psychedelics involved… all of it allowed my brain to wander… without psychedelics involved. For the first time today I didn’t feel claustrophobic. No longer could the poisonous gas cloud me and my thoughts. It evaporated. My mind, my body, my heart felt lighter. As I walked for about 45 minutes, I realized something… I hadn’t given my 10 grateful thoughts time to percolate this morning.

I woke up with a piece of sand in my eye. This is at 2am, 4am, 6am, and finally 7:30. Everytime I opened, or tried to open my eye, I would literally drip tears from my face. I thought I was swimming underwater. As I tried to bullshit my way through the 10 things I’m grateful for (and I successfully did) the first thing I did was run to the bathroom and peel my eyelid back over my skull like peeling an orange and dig.

Sand. A grain of sand. How the hell it even got in there was beyond me, but that motherfucker was lodged deep. Eventually I got it out and spent the next couple hours just allowing my eye to settle again. I’ll be forever scarred and now I must destroy all the world’s sandboxes.

During my walk, I realized that’s what this post should be: it’s my opportunity to give my 10 grateful thoughts for the day and let them set in.

1. First and foremost, I’m grateful that I have an opportunity to see clearly without a grain of sand in my eye. Absolute pain in the ass… or pain in the EYEEEE… AMIRITE? LOL………………………….
2. I’m grateful that TONIGHT, I will finally get some solid and uninterrupted sleep. Deep REM, baby. I’m coming for you.
3. I’m grateful that I can train for a couple hours tonight and burn off this physical energy. Yesterday I was a tired bitch, today I spent too much time sending emails to people that won’t read them, writing nonsense I’ll never post, and being an anxious baby.
4. Those eggs, avocado, and bone broth for lunch? I’m eternally grateful for you guys. My stomach is full to the brim and getting a salad from somewhere local would have left me craving a feast later.
5. As my finances are spiraling out of control like a tilt-a-whirl, I’m grateful that I have some serious potential and opportunity to make some money. I feel like I was given a sign for what route I should take as I return to the workforce and I’m grateful I saw it.
6. My loving other half Erika. Without her help and sacrifice, I’d be an absolute mess in too many aspects of my life. Sometimes you just need the love of someone else to help keep yourself accountable. Heaven forbid you let yourself and them down. More of a reason to succeed.
7. COFFEE! Sometimes a slap in the face in the morning is exactly what you need to overcome a shitty night’s sleep. Tonight will be prioritized… holy moly am I going to b e the example of a perfect night’s sleep tonight.
8. Sunshine – I know it’s been a hot and dry summer, but on those days where we see nothing but clouds I’m reminded of how much that sunlight can brighten a rough day. The sun is peaking through every now and then putting a big smile on my face. 😀
9. My health! I’ve got a massive lump on my ear that is turning into a head of cabbage, but my health is great to the point that I’m really injury free, disease free, and ailment free. I can do whatever my body can handle and there are plenty of people out there that can’t say the same.
10. I’m grateful for YOU, the reader. I love writing for myself, but without knowing that someone is going to read this, I wouldn’t be as consistent. I would probably skip the days that are a little more inconvenient. Honestly, I wouldn’t have written shit yesterday or today. And guess what? That means I would have probably skipped tomorrow and the next day… and the next… and the next. Until I could pull my head out of my ass and start again, this page would collect dust.

So thank you everyone and thank you to another day on the right side of the dirt. I AM GRATEFUL

See you tomorrow.