My shoulder is fucking killing me. Like, it feels like a dagger that was in a dragons asshole has been digging into my neck, scapula, and my collar bone all day. So I decided to take it upon myself to correct the issue by doing a shit ton of movement with the shoulders… which obviously would help the problem.

Let me tell you, I have this sneaking suspicion that that wasn’t the right move. Perhaps because all I can think about is the pain. But what’s happening is when I don’t think about the pain, it’s not there. That’s the weirdest part. I was keeping myself busy, talking with someone, having my mind focused on another task and I actually forgot that my shoulder hurts.

Now as I sit here typing and allowing my arm to rest on the desk, I feel that dagger-licked-by-a-dragons-asshole pain in the shoulder again. Hmm, I wonder if it’s because I left my mind unoccupied and now I’m thinking about it? Or, maybe it’s inflammation. Maybe it’s a frozen shoulder that needs to get some corrective exercises involved? Or maybe I should just smash it into the wall repeatedly so that it’ll learn to heal? That’ll teach you, shoulder. Fuck you, bitch. I control you.

These are legitimate thoughts that fly through my mind. I was working out at the gym trying to improve my strength in movements in my upper body this afternoon and as I thought about something that slightly irked me, the shoulder hurt more. Then I got frustrated with the shoulder hurting because there’s really no real reason it should hurt… which annoyed me more about the thing that was already irking me…. which annoyed me more about my shoulder not working correctly. RAWR.

What a fucking cycle, eh? You think painful things, you get painful things. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I guess this happens even in the physical realm. It was pretty clear that this was the case when it came to the emotional or mental realm, but it’s crazy to think that what you THINK ABOUT can actually cause you physical pain.

It was actually kind of funny in retrospect, because I’m sitting there getting more and more worked up about really…nothing, which was then making my shoulder hurt more (plus the exercises I was doing), which frustrated me more and took that small something and blew it far out of proportion. What insanity. DramaQueen Kris was in full effect.

This plays to the truth that we create so many falsities inside of our minds. We project our thoughts onto others, saying that they looked at us a certain way or treated us a certain way because of some unspoken bullshit. We can be so sure of it too. Then, oddly enough, the issue will be so far pressed by us that it’ll manifest itself into reality. Now they WILL do the thing we thought they were doing… then we get some weird satisfaction “knowing we were right.” Ugh.

Let’s use my janky shoulder as an example. My shoulder was a little tight this morning, but nothing painful, just some discomfort. Okay, cool. Then off to the gym we went and started to exercise it. After a few minutes of working out the discomfort started to border painful, but at not point did it really flare up… just a nagging pain. Then there was a thought that started to bug me and as the workout continued, the thought grew and grew and GREW. All of a sudden, it was as if someone had started to morally cross me even though I hadn’t even spoken to them about said issue. And while I’m creating this tale in my head, my shoulder pain grew until it went from a 3.6 into a 7.9. Now I’m FUCKING MAD. Not only did that person look at me funny, but now I feel like my body is broken and I’m mad at myself for it not working correctly. Now I’m mad about everything and mad at everyone.

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!

Where did I get angry? I wasn’t angry! It’s a Friday, life is fucking golden. Why is there anger all of a sudden?

Because I manifested it, I let it attach to my shoulder, and then I continued to embrace the anger. Sure, my shoulder is nagging me now, but I’m not in pain. I feel like maybe it’s a little out of socket or something, not tracking right, but it’s still working. The arm still functions. I should be grateful that I have an arm… which I am! Which makes me upset that I’m not using it correctly. I guess that’s where it stems from. We’re doing our best to make sure we’re taking care of our bodies, but here this body is, letting the mind fuel it with anger, which is only causing more and more physical and mental pain.

Why. The. Fuck. Do. We. Do. This?

Really. There’s really no telltale answer as to why we can get so wrapped up in something so dumb that it makes our bodies feel like they’re going to fall apart like string cheese. There’s no grasping this. Perhaps it was t he 2 cups of really strong coffee that didn’t help the situation, but QUIT JUDGING ME. I like my coffee.

There’s this massive part of me that would love to sit and meditate for 2 hours straight until my mind has found inner peace and tranquility, allowing my body to finally calm down and relax itself. But then there’s this other part of me that reminds me that there’s only 24 hours in the day and to spend 2 hours of it thinking about nothing but your breath is going to be quite the non-use of time. Wouldn’t our time be better spent elsewhere? Sure, we can meditate for 2 hours or we can get a shit ton of stuff done in the 2 hours… which in turn, allows us to relax a little bit.

That might be the issue. Thinking about all the stuff that you have to get done doesn’t really allow you to enjoy the moment. Letting your mind chase all the crazy thoughts that aren’t even your own steals your present moment.

Don’t let your crazy future-sighted self steal your happy present moments. Hopefully that’s the lesson. I’m also realizing it’s 7:30 on a Friday night and I’m writing instead of spending time with Erika.

The fuck am I doing? Bye.