For as long as I’ve been alive, there’s always been some sort of difficulty with bonding with other people. Not like marriage or something of that nature, obviously, but moreso like a coming together sort of thing. I remember a specific incident when I was in kindergarten and my mom had tried to pair me up with a kid from my class for a playdate. There’s a memory that stands out in my mind that has the feelings tied into it. I even remember exactly what I was staring at when I felt it. I remember that this particular peer of mine not only smelled, but he bored me to tears. There was something so stigmatic about him that I just couldn’t stand being around him after an hour. So there I was, staring at the cabinet next to the fridge in my parents’ house, playing with my white Speed Racer car (one of my faves) waiting for him to be taken home by his mother. His name was “Ernie” if I remember correctly, but who knows…I was 5. Regardless, I would have rather played with my toy car in the corner of the kitchen than hang with this cardboard flavored child. Absolutely. No. Clue. Why.

Jim Carrey said it once, that isolation or “alone time” can become quite addictive. Once you become adapted to the quiet, the peace, the serenity…you just want it more. It becomes more and more difficult to share your energy with others. Even while I was considering hopping on Chatroulette to add to the YouTube videos I post Monday-Friday (yes, still), I was in no way excited to talk to any of these people. Why? Some of them could be the most interesting people you’ve ever met in your life, some could have a fun skill or fact to drop on your head. Some could be like cardboard tasting Ernie. Regardless, how would I know without talking to them? It was like I didn’t even feel like investing the effort right now. There’s been a morning full of communications already, but meeting someone new is like some weird gamble…like “roulette,” I suppose. Oh, the irony. You’re gambling to see if you actually want to get to know this person. Hell, even when I’m playing squad based video games I’d rather pair up with someone I already know or no one at all.

Wow. Why?

Perhaps this is one of the main reasons I can’t stand door-to-door interactions. It’s incredibly draining. Imagine Chatroulette but with interactions that can span from 30 seconds to 30 minutes for hours on end. You take on people’s bullshit. You take on a TON of their bullshit. Maybe it’s not even an interaction that you take on bullshit. Maybe it’s just an interaction that you feel highly uncomfortable with. Your energies just don’t match. You’re a nice person with a lot to offer and they’re a nice person that has a pile of bodies in their basement they’d like to show you. Either way, it can be draining just to get on their wavelength and communicate. I suppose that’s it…the difficulty of communication.

There are people that you talk to and you can have conversations that last hours. There’s no gap in the chat, there’s no drain on the social battery, it’s just an absolute joy to talk to these people. Then there’s people that love to complain, the speak with more slang than you’re used to, or you just have such radically different perspectives on life that the two of you can’t meet in the middle. You always talk in positives and they’re always telling you what not to do. Or they’re super judgmental and you’re not. The list of reasons can be endless. This is why being ABLE to communicate with everyone is important. To be able to get onto someone’s wavelength and talk in their language is a skill that’s worth honing. The unfortunate risk of doing such a thing is that you can lose your own voice and you can also become incredibly lost while jumping from wavelength to wavelength. It’s important to continually work on strengthening that voice of yours, reminding yourself of where the most genuine version of your voice exists.

Now, this doesn’t mean lying, fibbing, “white lying,” etc. It just means that in order to get through to particular people, you need to speak in their language. Your message doesn’t change, it still comes from the heart, but the language you use and how you present yourself has to be different. Meaning, if it’s a little old lady I’m speaking with, I’m probably going to watch my cussing and speak softly. If it’s a 13 year old kid, I’m probably going to use more slang and jokes to convey my message. These are the easiest 2 examples that came to mind, but in between these two is a myriad of other people on the spectrum…all of which are worth communicating with (to an extent). Everyone has something to offer. You may learn about mental illness from some of them, but that’s the risk you take. And that risk is exactly what concerns me.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy the conversations, I do. But taking the time to consider how they would like to be spoken to is the real brain buster. Figuring someone out, speaking to them in the manner in which they would like to be spoken to, and how they’re most likely to understand your message is the real work. So, it’s never really been that I didn’t WANT to talk to someone new, it’s that I just know that it’s going to involve some heavy lifting. Is it worth the work? Not always, if I’m being honest. And that’s the thing…I want to ALWAYS be myself and just get the message out, rather than think about how to portray the message. I never want to think about how I need to speak to or with someone. I just want to speak with that someone. Unfortunately, we live in a world where verbal gymnastics can be a necessary evil. Dance, monkey, dance.

So to all those that have always allowed me to be me, I thank you. For all those that have never drained my battery, but charged it instead, thank you. For all those that have maintained their wavelength and allowed mine to converge with theirs.…thank you. Stay true to you.

Happy Friday.