There’s something much worse than feeling pain. There is something much darker than feeling sadness. There is something much more unfortunate than being down in the dumps. There is the chance that you’ll feel nothing at all. You’ll feel absolutely numb. You’ll feel no joy or sadness for yourself. What you considered your purpose or your goals will be irrelevant to your daily existence. You’ll question everything and ask yourself, “What’s the point?” as you go to do it. It’s a bleak and frightening feeling. It’s a feeling of not exactly feeling defeated, but that no matter what you do you won’t feel fulfillment, excitement, or a zest for life. I guess you can’t be defeated if you don’t try. You’re not even sad about it, you’re just going through the motions. You’re doing everything that you do on a day-to-day basis. Your morning routines, your exercise routines, your routine of routines. There’s no sadness in it and no joy in it either. There’s just a numb realization of “What’s the point?” You’re bored and even bored of being bored.
There’s a voice in my head that comes up with brilliant creative ideas, revolutionary ones that could shape my life and that of those around me for the better. But before it can finish speaking it’s sentence, there’s another voice speaking up and shouting out a million reasons why it’s going to fail. Unfortunately, the negative voice is much louder than the positive one. It’s louder, it’s stronger, it’s a bully that beats the loving and creative voice into a pulp which then never wants to speak up anymore. The fear mongering voice continues to beat the creative and loving voice down until it doesn’t even feel like its’ voice has no worth. It’s so engrained with fear that it will come up with an idea but then before it has a chance to speak, it will already shut itself down. It’s voice-ception. The negative voice doesn’t even have to speak anymore when the creative voice doesn’t interject. The bully has done its’ job and walks the beat like a security guard working at an empty warehouse. There’s nothing worth guarding, but he’s still there to do his job JUST IN CASE something happens. And then when something might happen, he’ll go overboard because he’s been so bored.
This isn’t healthy, but something tells me I’m not the only one that’s endured this. I’d rather just be able to engage the creative voice and follow through with action. How many times have you had a brilliant idea but immediately found reasons why it would fail? Or even had friends that have those ingenious “What-if” ideas that just never come to fruition… then you find your friend back at their miserable 9-5 and scared to live? Shit, man… why do we have that voice? What purpose does it serve? It’s the same voice that speaks up when we’re stricken with a fearful scenario…he gets louder and stronger. I do understand that we have control of the inner-monologue. We speak louder than the voice of fear and control our outcomes. But how many hours of the day must we practice overcoming the voice of an internal bully? Did our external bullies cultivate the internal bully? Are we left with a sort of PTSD from our childhood troubles? Why do I feel stuck? It feels like I’m playing a game of Monopoly and I’m stuck in jail while everyone else’s game continues to progress. Where the fuck is my “get out of jail free” card? I have an Uno Reverse…does that work? What do you MEAN you own Park Place and Boardwalk?
Every time there’s some sort of idea that comes into my mind about creating a service that would benefit others and myself, there’s this voice that comes out of the woodwork (what does that even mean?) to tell me why it will fail. I become petrified to make any sort of attempt and then I’m back to the routine. I’m back to the same old shit, different day and then I can’t even enjoy the things or the people that I know I DO enjoy. How can I enjoy martial arts when I’m not growing outside of the school? How can I enjoy spending time with my fiancé when I can’t figure out how I’m going to be her husband? How can I enjoy an evening of rest when I feel like I haven’t done anything to earn it?
These are the frustrating battles I continue to fight. Today, well…today was a day that I woke up feeling numb… again. Waves of nausea from some bug, followed by anxiety from unable to do my work, which in turn amplified the anxiety, which then turned into an overwhelming sense of, “What’s the point?” The concern being that no matter how hard I try, in this avenue, I’ll never be successful. Without the passion, without giving a fuck, I’ll never be the “greatest solar salesman.” That’s not an award I want to win. Is it about reframing the question? Is life all about giving yourself an award for becoming the “best __ ever?”
I was listening to a Vlog of a friend that is out west training for his next upcoming fight and he said something that really struck a chord with me. He talked about after coming off a loss he signed up for his next fight and really didn’t tell anyone. He didn’t search for sponsors, he didn’t tell his friends, he just knew that he had to win for himself. It wasn’t about the promotion, the person he was fighting, for his family, for his friends…he had to do it for himself. I really truly understand that. As much as peer pressure can work on accomplishing certain feats, it can also work against you. What good would it be for me to announce to the world that I’m writing in a blog and never made any effort towards it? I might as well shit in my hands and clap. It would be just as useful.
It makes sense that sometimes we just need a win for us. I don’t need it for the people around me, I don’t need it for some sponsorships, I don’t need it for fame, I don’t need it for attention in general. I just need a fucking win, man. I need a win for myself. I need to look at myself in the mirror each day and know that I have worth, that I have a reason to be on this planet with everyone else. To feel like you don’t carry your weight is a miserable burden. Not only to yourself, but you feel like a burden to anyone around you. It’s about finding a win each day, whatever that might be. It’s like a seasonal sport – there’s a goal of reaching the championship to give yourself some award. I don’t know where I’m aiming yet, but we can’t just keep showing up to play the game. There’s got to be something that picks us up in these dark times and reminds us of WHY we’re doing this. Yeah, we do it for the love of the game, but if love is a scale, then how much do we love it? If we love it to the point where it’s a seesaw that sends a cannonball to the moon, then how do we express our love of the game? And what game is it? How do we win it? What award are we going to give ourselves? It’s not the best solar salesman, that’s for sure.
Is this an identity crisis? I’m not sure how it’s defined. What I do know is that I’m struggling to commercialize or monetize my purpose on this planet. I know what it is, to an extent. I know that I’m here to make people happy, to see them smile, to help them make progress in their own lives. These demons that tear us down, these demons that take a mile when you give them an inch…I’m no stranger to them. I’ve helped people take control of their lives, inspire others, and better the moods of people around me for as long as I can remember…But I can’t continue to do it at the sacrifice of my own well-being. I don’t want to be the crying-clown metaphor anymore.
Anyone that reads this, you are significant to me. One way or another, you’re important to me. You could be anonymous on the internet, or one of my best friends, but you mean something to me. Something positive. I’m grateful that you’ve read this and I wish you’d leave a comment or even a “like.” As someone that’s become pretty dedicated to content creation, it’s really appalling at how few people can click a thumbs-up on a video or a post. BUT, I’m going to continue to create, because I’m sure it’s going to help someone out there. Keeping that in mind, if I can help even ONE soul on this maddening planet, then I’ve done my job.
Again, I’m not sure how to survive in this world and simultaneously live out my purpose, but I know that I need to take action. That voice needs to take a vow of silence or I need to work on controlling the inner monologue better. There’s great potential here, I’m on the cusp of living up to it. Oddly enough, every report card I ever got (EVEN WITH A’S IN THE CLASS) I always had “failing to live up to potential.” Those multiple-choice comments would have meant a lot more had the teacher actually said them to me. All I want to do on this Earth, is to help everyone and anyone live up to their potential. I want to help everyone see past their bullshit and realize how much they have to offer this world. For some, that’s a longer road traveled than others. Some people are RIGHT THERE… and some people have a lot of heavy lifting to do. Regardless…we can all get closer.
This life isn’t easy and this life isn’t all smiles, but it’s worth living. It’s worth feeling the pain so you can feel the joy. It’s worth crying so you can laugh harder. It’s worth exercising so you can enjoy the rest. It’s worth all of it’s ups and downs. But as soon as you feel numb, it’s time to take a minute and reevaluate, because that’s the most frightening spot that any of us can be in.
I love you all and I welcome you all unconditionally. It’s okay to be happy, sad, scared, excited…all of it. As long as you’re feeling, you’re doing something right.