You know, I made a to-do list at the beginning of the week. It was my to-do of the day: make sure this list is done and if anything needs to be added, add it to the lighter days. Well, turns out that there was a whole lot of shit to add. It feels like each day has been overwhelming and no matter what you do, you can’t get it all done. Then whatever I needed to get done tomorrow that I couldn’t get done today, it gets added to the list on top of everything that was already on it… on top of whatever else the day wants throw at me. We’ve all been there… putting out fires, handling shitstorms, whatever you want to call it, every day is its’ new adventure.
They say the mornings are the most silent. The mind doesn’t know what the afternoon will bring. There are days that once 1pm hits, the phone won’t stop buzzing, but the entire morning it was silent. Then it can be the opposite, too. So does that mean I need to get my ass up at 5 am to get anything done for myself? Or do we need to stay up until 5am? Or should we adopt one of those crazy sleep cycles where we nap for 20 minutes every 3 hours? Nope. Definitely not that.
I’m overreacting, I know I am. This is merely a busy week, busier than normal…and then finding there’s no time to accomplish any of the Christmas tasks. There’s food to cook, presents to buy, people I’m forgetting, browsing I need to do…it’s like I don’t even know what needs to get done yet. There’s a million things and people I’m forgetting, but I can’t figure out who or what they are.
The past couple nights I’ve been going to sleep with anxious energy. The only reason that I feel like I’m actually falling asleep is because of the level of physical activity I’m putting myself through. Without beating the everliving shit out of the body, the mind would be able to hit a higher gear. Thankfully my body drags it down into the realm of sleep like a set of concrete boots attached to it’s squirmy little legs. Sleeeeeeeeep my precious… sleep with the fishies.
THEN, the mind is kickstarting the day sucker-punching with a fist of anxious energy. You wake up at 6am thinking it’s 9am and you’ve lost the morning… but then the mind starts thinking about everything you’ve got to get done for the day. The body is still tired, still needs another cycle of REM to reach a solid level of recovery, but the mind says, “That’s fine…but are you excited to make that phone call to that upset customer? Are you excited to work on that financing project? IT’S GONNA EAT A BAG OF DICKS! OMNOMNOM”
Thanks, man. I thought we committed to positive thinking. Did someone forget about their promise? Hmmm…AM Kris is being a Negative Nancy. After we’ve broken the cycle and gotten into a rhythmic breathing to get our mind to ease up, it’s been 30 minutes. It’s not the biggest deal, please understand that…but to go to sleep with an overwhelmed mind and to wake up to the same mind just wears on the mental health. This constant feeling of everything piling up on the plate without being able to get anything off of it. Isn’t this what the 90’s used to call “going postal?” The thought being that the mail just keeps coming, keeps piling, you can never catch up. Then you snap and go on a massive rampage. Is this a real thing? I don’t know, but it certainly has some weighted logic to it. Newman would say so.
Lots of time is being spent driving too. With so much communication being done via email and text, I find myself emailing and texting while driving. This is just careless behavior. I’ve become what I couldn’t stand. I feel like I’m not living to my authentic self. The authentic, true-to-themself Kris doesn’t text while he drives. He doesn’t feel the need to email people back every 5 minutes. He doesn’t feel like the treadmill is speeding up with some unstoppable pressure on the accelerator. He doesn’t sleep with anxiety and he doesn’t wake to it. He’s easy going, he’s relaxed, he already has all his Christmas presents for everyone and everything is taken care of.
Okay, that last part is bullshit. The Christmas pressure would have been there regardless. Shopping happens until Christmas eve. Presents are put together the day before they go under the tree. The right amount of pressure turns coal into diamonds…right? It also turns Kris into a psycho. I suppose it’s not different than if that school project was due on Monday and I wait until Sunday to start working on it. And then I tell myself that I can wake up at 4am and get it done. Most times I did it, too. Somehow the grades were decent…most of the time.
It’s an indecisive mind at it’s core. There’s so many options, so many places to shop, so many choices to make…that it becomes easier to let yourself become paralyzed with overthinking than it is to just pull the trigger. We’re playing Secret Santa and my recipient never made a wish list, so I’m just taking a stab at it. Well, I’ve stabbed it 400+ times now. It’s still alive. Blood everywhere…Christmas blood has been shed. Baby Jesus is crying in his front lawn neon-lit nativity scene somewhere. They never made a wish list, I bought a gift, now I don’t like it and it’s controlled my thoughts. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE EASY GIFT! Indecision plus perfectionism and now no one gets Christmas. Everyone gets scratch tickets…good luck.
It’s just like writing – you can write a sentence, call it “shit,” start over…after hours of work you’ve gotten nothing done. It’s the same. fucking. thing. Let the creative mind do it’s thing and pick the gift that you think they’ll like. If they don’t appreciate the gift and the thought, then fuck ’em. Be blessed that someone thought of you regardless. And credit card gift cards are a sack of shit…you make the decision and get the gift for them, don’t gift someone with a “decision card.”
Or do. Maybe they collect them. Or maybe all they want is money. It happens.
Look at me…here…writing…when I have Christmas shopping to do.
Although…I could always get it done in the morning…